| everybodys free (to feel good) |
[15 Sep 2007|07:21pm] |
pat's in rehab and that feeling is wonderful. to have her out of the house. i fuckin hate her with my entire being. i don't think i have ever hated somebody so much. i just never want her to come back and i know she will. and i can't wait til she starts with me so i can get her back. gah.
and still, despite my many attempts for some sort of support from my father i remain alone with my brother as the only one on my side. alcohol is quite the excuse. there comes a time when it no longer works, but it doesn't seem soon.
and so, the house will be put up for sale, and i will be forced to find somewhere else to live. here we go. i love being second best to a crazy drunk.
i'm so overly stressed out about it. emotionally drained. my eczema is in full force and taking over my body. it hurts.
and there's nothing here to eat except for mac n cheese. i have to save up if i'm going to be kicked out and forced to live on my own.
hopefully the house doesn't sell and my mom could end her lease and we can move in together. otherwise, if anyone wants to room with me i have found a beautiful apt in port jeff. i'm in love with it.
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[29 Aug 2007|12:03am] |
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i wish my parents could have enough money to pay for me to go to school or atleast for my books like everybody else's parents. yeah. that would be nice.
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| i fuckin love this song rite now. |
[01 Jul 2007|10:09pm] |
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I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
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| clawrissa wants to cuddle |
[22 Jun 2007|11:14pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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don't get me wrong. things are good. i just feel numb to pretty much everything and i can't really say why cuz i have no fuckin idea why. i just do. maybe i've just reached a breaking point where ya just stop feeling...? or maybe i'm just bored of anything and everything.
maybe i've outgrown anything and everything.
all i really want to do lately is play at work, sleep, lay on a tropical beach, hang out with my cat, and see chris. that's it.
today was the last day of eagle. summer camp is real now. and it starts in less than two weeks.
maybe my apathy is due to an unconscious realization of my diminishing funds. i think about it pretty much everyday. and this vacation i'm trying to plan isn't helping. it's getting to the point where i am actually afraid to even go anywhere although i know that after camp i am going to need it more than ever.
that trip to the bahamas seemed perfect until we realized i'd need a passport.
i'm bloated and fat, but too tired to work out. i am always too tired. i think there must be something physically wrong with me seeing as i always feel drained. and if i do not look good in a bathing suit i don't even know if i will want to go on vacation. because all i want my vacation to entail is lying on the beach under pretty palm trees while dipping my toes into crystal blue waters.
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| home sweet home? |
[27 May 2007|08:18pm] |
today. bright and early. chris and his dad came over to help me move pretty much everything. so now i'm back in medford and it's somewhat bittersweet. and it's strange because for the majority of the time i was in moriches i really just wanted to be here. and now that i'm here i miss moriches. maybe it was just the space and the apartment and my mom and my cat. and the air conditioning. god how i miss the air conditioning right now. it's cool outside and yet its still a sauna in here.
after the furniture was moved in and chris and his dad left my dad kissed me on my forehead. nothing incestual or anything. haha. but it was somewhat awkward just because i can't remember the last time my dad showed me any sign of affection. i can't even think of a time where my dad actually told me he loved me. i guess it was always just a mutual understanding. but it made me smile and i can only assume it meant that he had missed me for the 8 months or so that i had been away.
the past two days i've spent at the beach. smittys and montauk. it was wonderful and relaxing and tiring all at the same time. i couldn't even manage to go out at nite i was so exhausted but i think it was worth it. chris and i explored some huge rocks down the beach in montauk. which was fun. and he taught me how to skip rocks even though i seem to be a lost cause.
i don't want to go back to work right now. not in the slightest. i love work. but i just feel like i need more time to unwind. moving is making me feel so weighed down. it's an impossible pile of crap that i don't even know where to start when it comes to sorting it.
but, on the upside, my hair does look pretty and beachy because all of a sudden, this year, my hair is curly and wavy. i don't even have to do anything to it. just wash it and let it dry. i'm blond again and that makes me happy. on friday jen and i met up with ashley and becca at the beach. we had some dirty sex and the city type conversations. it was fun because it feels like it's been forever that i've participated in girly group activity of sorts. and i didn't have an ounce of that feeling like i was on the outskirts and didn't really belong there. i miss jackie. i wish she could have been there too.
time to make the donuts.
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| it's better to burn out than to fade away |
[20 May 2007|10:16pm] |
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i really should be sleeping. it'll only be harder for me to wake up in the morning. today i had the most horrible...painful cramps. it was a throwback from highschool and middle school where it would hurt so bad i'd just curl up in pain. i was expecting this. it's better than an infection and i am highly relieved.
chris was swimming outside while i watched this documentary on lisa "left eye" lopes. it was pretty awesome. sucked me right in. it was all filmed right before she died. in fact it lasted up until the last second of her life. right as the car swerved and everyone screamed. the camera blurred and that was it. most of the documentary was about her experiences and thoughts. and normally, for me to watch something like this, i would develop some sort of judgemental or condescending opinions of the person or their ideas, but instead i felt more like she had a grasp on reality. she didn't apologize and everything she said or did was justified. she didn't sound biased or guilt ridden. she was very much so in her head and her thoughts were clear. and the creepy part was that maybe all this level headedness and clear thinking was due to the fact that her time was almost over and she had this unconscious knowledge that it was true. days before she died the car she was in struck and killed a little boy. the little boy's last name was lopes. it was pretty crazy i guess in a coincidental kind of way.
i guess i just found it so interesting cuz i often think about death and life to myself. it's a popular topic in the confines of my head and i really believe that when you kind of just take life as it is. become well acquainted to the mannerisms that is life and reality and there's no extra baggage. you've been got...by you. that it's sort of like an enlightenment thus no longer requiring you to stay here.
i'm at a crossroads again with a cluster of different feelings and different qualms. moving back with my dad and it should make me ecstatic and i am. no more long travels to normal places. more gas in my car. a parking spot with my name on it. dad. sammy. a backyard. clawrissa. as much as my mom and i may do or don't get along it's still gonna be hard to leave. i finally started feeling comfortable enough here to call it home. i sort of feel like a stranger in my dad's house. so many things have changed no matter how subtle. my biggest battle with my self is always my time management. i always wish to make more time for the important people in my life but i never get around to it. and it's because i think about death entirely too much that this leaves me guilt stricken and horrified almost all the time. it's just so depressing and imprisoning. i shut people out so easily. i write people off all the time that i really do have a limited amount of important people in my life. i don't mind. i think i like it this way. but it's quite the disadvantage if everything were to fall apart. a tragedy i fear and toy with in my mind all the time. and as much as i enjoy to be alone i honestly don't think i could ever live without those people.
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| its no wonder i can't stand the rain |
[27 Apr 2007|01:07pm] |
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crappy |
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i don't feel supa dupa fly. nope. not at all today. instead i feel overwhelmed, stressed out, aggrivated, exhausted....
yesterday some of my filling fell out during class. my tooth doesn't hurt nor did i think it would cause me any great problems with fixing it. but alas, i was wrong. i blame the rain. right on milli vanilli or whoever it was who actually sang the song.
i went to the dentist today to throw away 78 dollars. all i did was sit in a chair and have him tell me to come back to get another temporary filling only to come back weeks later for a crown. thanks. no big deal so far. that is, until i find out a crown is going to cost me close to 900 dollars. at this point i'd just rather they take the fuckin tooth out. hell, i'll pull it out. i don't care. i do not have the money for this. for that amount of money i can go on a vacation. i'd much rather do that than put a piece of ugly metal in my mouth.
the field of dentistry is such a scam.
right now i'm pretty much done with my body as a whole. it doesn't do what i want it to do. it's more like something i feel i have to deal with. is anybody willing to trade?
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| seinfeldism |
[20 Apr 2007|07:56pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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i'm talking to doug right now. we're having a pretty awesome conversation. right doug?
i don't have anything to say to anyone anymore. i'm beginning to realize that i'm a horrible conversationalist and rely more on communication of a mutual comfortable silence. i think i just hate talking maybe because every story i have sounds the same. maybe because i feel awkward just getting the ball rolling. but when people come up and talk to me that doesn't work either because i draw blank and my only responses are uhh yeaah or nervous laughter.
i don't know whether to do camp or to find another job. i think i might lean towards camp just because i NEED money. and because there's no weekends or nights. which i like.
i can't wait for warmer weather.
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| when soul meets body |
[29 Mar 2007|08:58pm] |
today i read that there were a dozen mutilated bodies of geese, deer, squirrels, and ducks left at the town hall in islip. that's fuckin disgusting and horrible. those poor animals. i hope that the person/people who did it get chopped into tiny bits while they're alive. or get eaten by alligators or sharks or something. just die horribly.
anyway.
ryan aka snotrocket. he's quite possibly my favorite at eagle is moving to oceanside. i am terribly heartbroken. his last day is tomorrow and i do not want to let him go. i was so upset in the beginning of the year when i missed seeing him in morning care cuz i was stuck at bay and he didn't go to aftercare until a couple of months ago. if only we could get rid of the children that make us scream til we're red in the face and all they do is laugh or scream back. i hate those kids. why don't they ever move?
finally vacation is pretty much here. i'll be spending mine moving stuff out of the basement of my dad's house so we can clean it up and make it livable. otherwise you can see me at the gym or just fuckin relaxing. six feet under is back on demand so i'm pretty sure i'll be watching those.
clawrissa seems to be doing much better. she sleeps with me every night and i always wake up with her arms outstretched on me. it is by far the greatest feeling in the world. she transcends catness where i don't even see her as a cat. she's more like a little beating heart with a bright mind that knows so much. she always knows when i'm in horrible moods and she's always there to fix me. i really hated the thought of losing her.
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| alrite for now |
[18 Mar 2007|08:25am] |
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mood |
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getting better |
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music |
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tom petty- alright for now |
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last week went entirely too slow. this past week went faster but ended like a car wreck. friday nite being the crash. my meltdown. the school's should've been closed, but they weren't. the comedy show starring jim gaffigan should've been postponed or cancelled due to the snow, but it wasn't. i took clawrissa to the vet on thursday. she was supposed to be better, but she wasn't.
chris, becca, and i tried to make our way to westbury, but only managed to reach nicoll's rd by 8 o'clock forcing me to realize there was no point and no way that we'd ever make it there so we turned around stopping at island 16 for food. it took us forever to get home.
once chris and i arrived in moriches i found my mom in her room hysterical. clawrissa was in her bed crying, not walking, just hurting. my mom said she thought she was dying so i of course burst into bawling. i was panicked and embarrassed and scared. i found a number for an emergency animal hospital in sayville. it was the only one that would pop up. i called after calling our regular vet did not work. fortunately, it was located in selden. chris drove us all there. we were there from 11 to 3 am.
turns out clawrissa has diabetes. and major arthritis on her left back leg. this we find out, 400 dollars later. she pepped up on the way home which made me so happy. you have no idea. she had to be sedated at the animal hospital so when she tried to walk when we were home she wobbled all over the place. so i slept with her in the hallway til 4 in the morning when i noticed she had left me there all by my lonesome for the cardboard box she used to sleep in at the house in medford. sometime around 9 we called the vet. on monday i have to bring clawrissa in to be observed for a few hours and to learn how to inject her with insulin. our whole daily routine is going to change and i'm going to have to take really good care of her. now i can say she is actually like a real baby.
yesterday she seemed to have been getting progressively better. she was able to get off my bed by herself, go to the bathroom, and eat. she cuddled and purred.
i hope everyone had a great st pattys day. mine wasn't so bad. i didn't go out because i didn't want to risk clawrissa getting worse or something happening and me being stuck somewhere leaving me helpless. but it was a fine choice. i talked to jen for quite some time and my dad to let him know what was going on. i rented and watched stranger than fiction and bought me and my mom heaping cups of starbucks. i wish i had gotten more constructive things done, but it's ok. i have wednesday for that. or today.
i'm just overwhelmed with everything right now. i mean if i was stressed out before there's no doubt in my mind that i am ten times more stressed out now. it's times like these where i say over and over in my head could everything just stop, for a second?
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[06 Mar 2007|09:33pm] |
i really should be getting to sleep. i'm tired. borderline exhausted.
i think clawrissa is sick and it worries me because of her age and how i don't really know how to help her.
i've been so moody lately. maybe extra sensitive. the tiniest things just set me off. maybe i overanalyze everything which i am just so prone to doing. or maybe my feelings can be justified. i just don't know. because i always hold everything in until something, tiny or minute, or completely irrelevant sparks me into this flurry of negative emotions that just explode at any given time. i'm insane really. i normally get this way when i am stressed, but i don't necessarily feel stressed nor do i know exactly why i get these mood swings. i don't feel upset. nothing has caused me to be upset. i just am. and sometimes its just stupid baby things that trigger it. i will always seek to figure myself out and all my chemical imbalances that make me the way i am. and i cannot help but wonder if i will ever slip back into my old routine retracing steps, reversing which could be good and bad all the same especially if things were never really as bad as they seemed in the first place. if that makes any sense. although it was an effort to be vague. we can only hope it was a success.
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| i go ahead and smile |
[01 Mar 2007|02:19pm] |
i think i'm in a pretty good mood today. i'm really happy for whatever reason. i'm at my dad's house rite now waiting for work. then i'll come here for dinner yet again.
tomorrow i only have a morning shift of work. i get paid too. and i finally have time to get my oil changed. i need to get my car washed. it's so gross. i'll finally have the time for the gym. and a trip to borders. and maybe even some journeys. or sleep!
yeah. i really like sleep.
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| sleeping lessons |
[19 Feb 2007|11:30am] |
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i can't seem to find the energy to wake myself out of this comatose state. I am so tired, but I would like to take advantage of my week off from paid responsibility to work out. It's just ridiculously hard to tear myself away from this couch with the tv on mute and the shins streaming waves from my laptop.
i know i will have to embark on some stretch of highway at some point of the day. I need to make it to my dad's for my mail. I have been accepted to stony brook university. i'm ecstatic upon news of this because i've worn my welcome at suffolk. i think i need a change to re-energize my brain cells to stimulate some form of motivation on my part.
valentines day was absolutely more than i could have ever asked for. it was wonderful with just the right amount of humor that chris always brings to the table. i love him. and he is the perfect amount of eccentric to balance out my strange ways. we compliment eachother well. i am by far one of the luckiest people to have him.
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| happy valentines day |
[14 Feb 2007|10:16am] |
the weather today is positively dreadful. and i think it is only getting worse. i didn't go to school today. i was not walking through that and thank god i didn't because the drive home was even worse than the drive to work. i could barely see and i slipped two times. i'm going on a coffee diet.
my dreams have been pretty weird lately. the other night i dreampt that i was driving and backed into gloria's car and wound up cutting my ankles. and there was dried up blood all over them.
i can't wait for a week off, taxes back, nice weather, and a flatter belly.
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| i can't stand to be sober in this place |
[02 Feb 2007|10:35am] |
i want this hair! my hair is almost the length i want it to be. i think i am more tired of my hair color than everybody else. everybody has really gone crazy over my hair color and they love it a lot. i mentioned maybe going back blond and both lisa and jenny were like ohhh noo don't do it. i love this color. i mean it's good. i like it. it makes me look older i suppose. and you can't even see my roots. i dyed my hair in november and still no touch ups. if it were blond i'd look crazy rite now. haha. but i dunno. i miss it i guess. and my hair feels like shit lately. it gets so knotty. and i don't like how red it's starting to look. also, as of late, i've been feeling like cutting my hair, but i'm not gonna do it. i haven't had my hair this long in a very long time. i can't believe i've survived all those shitty lengths so i need to just sit and enjoy.
i felt like i was gonna vomit yesterday, but i didn't which was nice. i pooped too. i could go for a poop now as a matter of fact. last nite i went to see murder by death and thursday. murder by death was amazing. and ashley and i gawked at the cellist, sarah, for quite some time. she's a hot mama. i just like the way she moves. she moves entirely different than gretta cohen formerly of cursive. she dances with a lot of subtle jerky movements that actually look better way better than they sound. gretta cohen usually just looked like she was having sex....grinding all over the place. sarah always wears pretty dresses and her hair is always so nice. gah. i am a complete lesbo rite now. she makes me want to play the cello, quit school, and start a band. at the rate i'm going, graduating school seems so far away, it doesn't really sound like a bad idea. haha.
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[28 Jan 2007|10:28pm] |
i think it's time for me to start saving money...completely living off my paycheck because i want to go on another vacation.
possible destinations?
vegas
san francisco
ugh i know this is going to be so hard.
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| stretch armstrong |
[25 Jan 2007|08:17pm] |
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crappy |
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music |
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brand new-degausser |
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i feel stretched so thin. i want to spend more time with my dad. i don't know why this is so difficult for me. i spend an awful lot of time with chris, but i always want to spend more. and i want time to myself. time, in which, i never really feel like i have.
i miss my dad so much. tonite when i left after maybe an hour visit that included dinner i felt torn apart as i backed out the drive way. the house i grew up in doesn't feel like my house anymore. i think i could exchange my big new room for the tiny one back at home. i still don't call this home. i always hesitate.
i thought i could spend all this quality time with my dad while my mom had her boyfriend. unfortunately, her boyfriend is never around and she is overwhelmingly needy. she's so passive aggressive. one minute pushing me to do something great and the next pulling me back because she can't handle being alone. once february comes her boyfriend will be gone for a while and i'll be the only one she has. it's frustrating. but i hope that since she'll be starting classes that i'll get more of that me time and she won't cling to me in my off time.
i feel so selfish. i always have intentions of making time for my dad, but they always fall through because chris will call or i sleep too late. my dad shouldn't be last on my list of priorities. he should be first because i am always first on his. and i know for sure my world would fall apart if he were to disappear and become only a faint memory. and that is, by far, my worst fear. most people think they, themselves, as dying to be their worst fear. i'm not afraid of dying or what happens after i die. my biggest nightmares are losing the people closest to me.
since december and the death of my cousin's baby i am constantly thinking about the chances of losing them. it's stressing me out. i can feel myself shrinking and just sort of crumbling. when i really don't have an inkling of evidence that something will happen to them. it's just fear and it mocks me every minute of every day. so much that all i wanna do is push forward and get things done quickly so that everyone will get to see all the important climactic events that they should be there to see.
i told you. i'm going crazy.
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[23 Jan 2007|02:17pm] |
i can't be sure if i still have all the necessary organs left in my body after saturday nite. i don't think i have ever thrown up like that almost ever. but yeah it was horrible. and i'm going to stay away from alcohol for a while. the mere thought of it makes me feel nauseous.
but chris was my knight in shining armor and carried me to the cab and to the train and even made sure i was ok while vomiting on the train. then took off his jacket while driving me home in my car to wrap around my legs so i wouldn't get hypothermia.
yesterday was awesome though. it made up for all that nonsense.
after work i went to the deli and picked chris and i up some breakfast. I went to his house and got into some pajama pants and crawled into bed with him. We watched click and just relaxed. We went in his hot tub for almost an hour. Then after some more laying in bed I went to work only to come back to chris's for a salad and some more tv. I think I fell asleep around nine o clock which was good and didn't wake up til 6am to drive home and get clean clothes and go back to work.
ugh i forgot how much i hate school.
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| fickle and lazy |
[20 Jan 2007|11:54am] |
subject says it all really. i'm torn between art and english. I usually like to combine the two. But i'm leaning towards english now because I am lazy as fuck and can't wait to get the hell out of school. Sooo that would make me an English major or something with education as a minor so that I can teach english. whatever. I have way more credits in English and English has always come really easy to me. thus the laziness. Whereas I know I am moderately talented in the art department, i really have no confidence when it comes to art, but i also know that picking art as a major would be completely challenging and difficult for me. not to say that english wouldn't be challenging or difficult. i just think i would be able to keep my head above water easier than i would in art. maybe one day i'll be like chris van allsburg and write a book and illustrate it like i used to do when i was five.
i'm in 3 classes as of right now at suffolk, but i'm thinking about adding another one. an english one. to kickstart my ass into gear.
work has been somewhat dramatic as of this past week due to disputes with jenny and the school district. it's completely luticris (sp?) what they are doing to her. The entire thing is totally based on hearsay. It's completely highschool. It's sad that an entire school district of middle aged adults can be such bullies and caddy even more so. I really hope Jenny comes out tonite and meets up with us. I think she needs to drink and cheer up. She's got enough people on her side to help her pull through and this bullshit so hopefully everything will be ok.
sickness is getting the best of me. well the best of my appearance, that is. Stupid cold and stupid horrible tissues have caused a bunch of cuts on my nostrils. They hurt me like hell. I feel all chopped up. I went tanning to heat the sickness out of me. I guess it partially worked, but it burnt my face so now my face is peeling. I feel so disgusting and gross. It really makes me feel insecure, but luckily none of the children at work have said anything about it which means a, they haven't noticed (yeah right) or b, they actually have some manners. Kids are usually the first people to say anything about anything new about your appearance so for them not to have said a thing must mean I have done something right.
and also this week i found out that one of my favorite children at childcare is actually offspring from someone i went to school with and a nephew of someone in my grade. weird. it would be really weird to see people my age that i know from school to start dropping off kids at childcare.
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| happy birthday jen! |
[17 Jan 2007|02:27pm] |
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music |
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band of horses- funeral |
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it's really cold out.
i miss chris.
i want to cuddle right now. i can't wait til there is nothing to do but lay in bed and warm up and watch movies and drink hot cocoa. and we can nap and kiss inbetween. i love him so much. too much for words. <3
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